WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
