my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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