You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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