how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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