Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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