a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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