Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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