i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Randomize
