people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
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