Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
