my phone needs a breathalizer
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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