how can u be prego again
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
