I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
