I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
