She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
