Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
