am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I smell stomach acid.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
