imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
