Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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