just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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