yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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