Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
