And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
