If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
