There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
