3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
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