i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I won't apologize to a one balled man
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
