I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
