Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
