I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
