The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
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