dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
