First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Randomize
