Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
