I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Come see our sink grown plant.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
