When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize