how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
