I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
