im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
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