I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
