Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
