god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
