I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
How drunk are you?
Completed.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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