They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Randomize
