Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
