I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
