Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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