Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Randomize
