I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
