And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
