Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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