hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
