Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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