i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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