We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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