i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Randomize
