Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
