he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I deserve this hangover.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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